Sunday, May 22, 2011


Now I laughed at the dude who used SCIENCE on the Bible to figure out the end of days. It really is brilliant if you think about it. He gets all of us to buy in if he gets the geeks involved. Anyway, I went to church yesterday afternoon just to be sure. Priest said every day could be your individual rapture day. Just take it one day at a time. This is it. Your own. Personal. Rapture. Anywhoo we went home and upon leaving Gods bunker, I noticed big thunderstorms to our west. Living in Kansas, one gets used to Wizard of Oz weather. I know people from SOCO that absolutely shit when a thunderstorm comes through. They get in their car and go to the basement of a parking garage. Ironically the exact opposite of where one should go during a earthquake. Real Kansans go outside when there is a tornado near. Gotta see that thing. Though I have lived in Kansas all my life and have yet to see one in person. And to be fair I would probably shit if I ever experienced an earthquake.

So we drive home and it is around 5:00. I read a report that the Rapture would begin at 6:00 central. It's bright and sunny but looking ominous. We drive home, I crack open a beer and have a snack. Around 5:30 it clouds up. 5:45 we get reports from Topeka television stations of tennis ball sized hail. I am starting to believe. Who knew ground zero for the end of days is Topeka Kansas? Stephen King maybe? Hell on Earth actually is Topeka. Or possibly Pierre South Dakota. 5:59 the tornado sirens go off. Shit. So much I wanted to do. See Ireland. Win a bad beat jackpot. Junk punch Howard Lederer. Finally talk my wife into the forbidden love. You know. Sex with the lights on.

We enact our Zombie plan. I usher the family into the attic. Zombies can't jump. Then the wife says "What about the Tornado". Fuck. We rush downstairs. We can only hope the Tornado gets rid of the Zombies. I go outside and nothing is happening. It is 6:05 and so I let the whole family join me in the cul de sac. Turns out The Rapture consists of sprinkles and six more Sam Adams 48 IPA. Delicious. We get another tornado warning at 10:00. Rapture aftershock? Still nothing. We go to bed an hour later. Lights off.

As I sit here writing this today, it is absolutely gorgeous outside. We have all the windows open. It is sunny. I have had a doughnut and two cups of coffee. I am going to serve at the soup kitchen in an hour. Softball after that. Steak for dinner and Trivia tonight. The Royals are at .500. It might me the end of the world. Oh well. This is not bad at all. There could be worse endings.


Memphis MOJO said...

You had me LOL - great post.

Lucki Duck said...

We were studying the book of Revelation in Sunday School this morning.

I don't want to scare you, but I think I remember Topeka being mentioned...